Obligatory Fourth of July Diversion

Andrew Sullivan has a great idea for the Fourth this year: he's asked visitors to submit "Things We Love About America," which have so far ranged from the overtly political ("Habeas Corpus!") to the utterly silly--my favorite silliness probably being the "Rabbit Seasoning" short from the heyday of Bugs Bunny.

But for some reason no one has posted this, which seems an obvious choice. (Audio not safe for work.)

More Depressing Lookalikes

http://www.myheritage.com

It's official: Bald = Eastern European. (To find out who these people are, just wait till their stats are done printing out: a description will appear.) At least now I have an excuse for drinking if it ever comes to that.

Something is Terribly Wrong With My Face

She was my number one match. You may know her as Queen Silvia of Sweden. I also matched Woody Allen at 46% and Madonna at 47. Is it the cheekbones?

Current Events Poem: Dracula's Castle For Sale

Dracula's Castle Is For Sale, Owner Announces

Dracula's castle is going for sale!
It's gonna cost somebody boatloads of kale,
But I'd steal the money and even risk jail
If I could have Dracula's castle.

I'd pack vintage clothing and forward my mail--
I'd goth the place up to the tiniest nail--
Pipe sound effects tapes to make visitors quail--
And it would be worth all the hassle.

I'd put on an accent and dress really fine,
Attend swanky parties and maybe drink wine,
I'd murmur "So, darling--your fortress or mine?"
And I would score babes by the passel,
If I could have Dracula's castle.

I'd glower from towers that shadow the dale
While pacing the walls in a cape and a veil.
I'd gloomily brood on my life's weary trail,
And think of the people I'd love to impale
If I could have Dracula's castle.

But alas, it would seem that this dream cannot be.
They want 90 mil and I lack even three.
You ask why the best things in life can't be free?
'Cause somebody--either the owner or me--
Is simply too much of an ass'le.

27% Crazification

Bush just commuted Libby's sentence, which is just like pardoning him only without the scary word "pardon" in it. My prediction is that even his own party is going to turn on him at this point, since staying with Bush when he's helping out state-secret-leaking criminals is going to be bad for the party, Bush is a lame duck anyway, and there's an election coming. How can this NOT look like you're simply protecting your friends with every power you have and saying "fuck you" to the "cleaning up Washington" rhetoric you brung to the dance to begin with?

But it won't make nearly the difference it should, and while it would be thrilling to see actual justice done, I don't think this will lead to the impeachment it should, or even to the lowest-ever approval ratings Bush deserves. My thinking here has been profoundly influenced by this 2005 post by Kung Fu Monkey, which I hereby quote in italics because I don't know how to do text boxes:

John: Hey, Bush is now at 37% approval. I feel much less like Kevin McCarthy screaming in traffic. But I wonder what his base is --

Tyrone: 27%.

John: ... you said that immediately, and with some authority.

Tyrone: Obama vs. Alan Keyes. Keyes was from out of state, so you can eliminate any established political base; both candidates were black, so you can factor out racism; and Keyes was plainly, obviously, completely crazy. Batshit crazy. Head-trauma crazy. But 27% of the population of Illinois voted for him. They put party identification, personal prejudice, whatever ahead of rational judgment. Hell, even like 5% of Democrats voted for him. That's crazy behaviour. I think you have to assume a 27% Crazification Factor in any population.

My Limbaugh-listening twin brother doesn't even believe that Valerie Plame was covert in the first place, and that Libby was the victim of a witch hunt. So he's clearly impervious to new information, having received the Fox-approved inoculation some time ago. But I have some hope that this will lose Bush everybody else. My plea to reality: can we at least see him start to go into the bottom three approvals in history? An administration this corrupt ought to be setting more actual records.

P.S. The Kung Fu Monkey post, in toto, is here.

Bar Napkin Cartoon 26

"Oh boy oh boy, Danny ..."

This vintage Muppets clip from Andrew Sullivan's blog has kept me happy for days. Click and enjoy.

In Case McSweeney's Doesn't Call Back Again, Like Usual...

Here's a very silly short humor piece I wrote that I'm submitting to McSweeney's Internet Tendency. May be a have-sim, maybe they won't even like it. But what keeps happening is I submit to them and then never hear back. So just so this piece avoids the black hole, here it is for the small number of folks who view my blog.

SUGGESTED ADDITIONS TO THE OFFICIAL SCRABBLE PLAYER’S DICTIONARY, SO MY NEXT GAME WON’T END SO BADLY

FAXT – v. & adj. Archaic past tense of “fax.”

HOGO – n. Very obscure regional British term for a salmon, carp or squid.

ZMIRN – v. To express doubt about something perfectly reasonable because you’re afraid to let other people have fun. Possibly Gaelic.

UNBROIL – v. To reverse the effects of broiling through some process or other.

QAJ – n. An Arabic unit of measure equal to one third of a hogshead.

ASSLIKE – adj. Resembling an uptight person like Jamie who needs to check the dictionary for every little thing.

YAUWOII – n. A genus of theoretical bacteria who also move very fast and no one has seen them. Plural: YAUWOIII.