Current Events Poem: Dracula's Castle For Sale

Dracula's Castle Is For Sale, Owner Announces

Dracula's castle is going for sale!
It's gonna cost somebody boatloads of kale,
But I'd steal the money and even risk jail
If I could have Dracula's castle.

I'd pack vintage clothing and forward my mail--
I'd goth the place up to the tiniest nail--
Pipe sound effects tapes to make visitors quail--
And it would be worth all the hassle.

I'd put on an accent and dress really fine,
Attend swanky parties and maybe drink wine,
I'd murmur "So, darling--your fortress or mine?"
And I would score babes by the passel,
If I could have Dracula's castle.

I'd glower from towers that shadow the dale
While pacing the walls in a cape and a veil.
I'd gloomily brood on my life's weary trail,
And think of the people I'd love to impale
If I could have Dracula's castle.

But alas, it would seem that this dream cannot be.
They want 90 mil and I lack even three.
You ask why the best things in life can't be free?
'Cause somebody--either the owner or me--
Is simply too much of an ass'le.