Bourbon Cowboy

The adventures of an urbane bar-hopping transplant to New York.

My Photo
Location: New York, New York, United States

I'm a storyteller in the New York area who is a regular on NPR's "This American Life" and at shows around the city. Moved to New York in 2006 and am working on selling a memoir of my years as a greeting card writer, and (as a personal, noncommercial obsession) a nonfiction book called "How to Love God Without Being a Jerk." My agent is Adam Chromy at Artists and Artisans. If you came here after hearing about my book on "This American Life" and Googling my name, the "How to Love God" book itself isn't in print yet, and may not even see print in its current form (I'm focusing on humorous memoir), but here's a sample I've posted in case you're curious anyway: Sample How To Love God Introduction, Pt. 1 of 3. Or just look through the archives for September 18, 2007.) The book you should be expecting is the greeting card book, about which more information is pending. Keep checking back!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Sample How To Love God Introduction, Pt. 1 of 3

Did a lot of writing this weekend, and came up with the latest rough draft of the first chapter/introduction of How to Love God Without Being a Jerk. It may not be perfect, but at least now I think I've figured out who I'm addressing. Thanks to Cara for the suggestions, and let me know what you-all think, either through comments or personal emails.

Also, I'm planning to post a lot of excerpts, so if anyone knows how to do a blogger cut (you know, where a blue thingy reads "Click on this for more" so the post doesn't take up such massive yardage), I'd appreciate it. I can do it in LiveJournal, but not, apparently, in Blogger. Yet.


This is the hardest chapter I have to write, because if the plan of this book is going to work, it will be the first real, actual chance in years to bridge the gap between evangelical Christians, mainstream Christians, and other religions. (Or, to put it in evangelical terms, to bridge the gap between committed Christians, liberal or nominal Christians, and non-Christians.) This means that evangelical Christians have to be part of the conversation from the outset. And yet, unlike many authors on this topic, I know from experience what it’s like to be an evangelical, and I know that they’re very easy to turn off. To prove this, let me tell a story.

In 1988 I was taking an undergraduate class in The Renaissance and The Reformation with the world-renowned scholar Heiko Oberman. He was a mind-blowing teacher, not only because of his intense erudition (rumor had it that he spoke seven languages, slept only five hours a night, and used the spare time to write ever more groundbreaking research articles), but because he actually cared about teaching. He took the time to give us mere undergraduates honest-to-god oral exams, and every Friday, after doing long, intense lectures on Monday and Wednesday, he devoted part of the class to answering questions that had been placed in a sort of Suggestion Box he kept on the desk.

One odd thing about the course was that it had been cross-listed in both History and Religious Studies, and the class itself seemed to be split right down the middle: half of the students were logical, flinty-minded history majors, and half were devout, conservative Christians like me. The differences tended to come out in the questions we asked on Friday, half of which were things like, “How did the Peace of Augsburg impact the development of free expressions of Anabaptism?” and the other half of which were more like, “How come Martin Luther struggled to understand the concept of Grace, when the whole thing is clearly laid out in the book of Romans?” Heiko divided his attention between both camps and in general things proceeded in a more or less academic vein.

But one day he held up a slip of paper and announced, “This question is a little unusual, but I’ve gotten a few of these and decided I’d better address it. The question is, ‘What do you think about abortion?’”

At this announcement, the guy next to me—an obvious history major—leaned over to me, looking puzzled and a little scornful, and whispered, “What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”

I knew, but I simply shrugged and kept silent. This question had clearly come from one of my people. It would have taken too long to explain to the guy on my right, but actually, I’d been expecting a question like this for weeks. In fact, I had been tempted to write the same question myself, except I was too anxious about intellectual respectability to follow through. Fortunately, one of my fellow religious studies majors had been less fastidious.

The problem was this: Heiko was telling us troubling things. On the very first day of class, he had said, “Before I discuss the Reformation, I want to get out of the way several misconceptions that people often have about church history.” One of these myths was “The blood of martyrs is the seed of the church”—i.e., the idea that the church is unstoppable, and Christians who die only cement the church’s determination to spread. Heiko dismissed this as ridiculous. After all, he pointed out, the first Christian missionaries who came to Japan were completely slaughtered, and Japan heard nothing more from Christianity for several centuries. The moment I heard this, it made sense (no Christians in Japan? Of course! That’s why they have Buddhism instead!), but it was at odds with everything I’d felt about my own religion. I realized then, in that very simple example, that Christians rarely hear stories about where and how Christianity has failed. We know about terrible acts and terrible ideas (the Inquisition, the Crusades, the Salem witch trials, etc.), but those are the fault, not of Christianity, but of flawed people. (To evangelicals, the perpetrators aren’t even “real” Christians, so such incidents barely even count as Christian history.) The idea that Christianity itself, in its purest form and deployed by well-meaning people, seeking only the good of others, might sometimes lose most of the battles and all of the war—this was a new thought that I had to make room for.

I survived this and following classes, but every week, and at every turn, I was aware that Heiko was offering us a view of Christian history that was essentially practical and unsentimental, a warts-and-all view that was far less triumphal than the “Jesus Rules!” history we’d gotten in Sunday school (or, for that matter, from the Bible). He talked like a Christian—rumor had it he was an ordained Reformed Church minister, and he seemed to be theologically accurate when he talked about things like grace and atonement—but he didn’t talk like a fellow evangelical. So was he reliable? Was Christianity susceptible to failure or not? We wanted facts and he was giving us ambiguity. And what had clearly happened on this particular Friday was that one of my fellow religious studies majors had had enough. “That’s it!,” he or she had said, “I’m going to find out once and for all whether this guy is just a really brainy true Christian, or just another godless academic who wants to undermine our faith.”

The abortion question was the shortcut—a shibboleth, really. If Oberman said he was against abortion, then he must be morally sound and, ergo, factually trustworthy, and it was worth doing extra work to actually learn and internalize all he was teaching. If he said the wishy-washy liberal thing, then he would be consigned to the outer darkness of the Secularists To Be Shunned. Oberman clearly didn’t understand this, or he would have addressed it in his response. Instead he waltzed right into the trap, answered the question on its face, and didn’t even survive his first sentence. “This is a complicated issue that requires…”he began, and he went on for several more minutes, but it didn’t matter. Whichever Christian had written that question had gotten their answer at the word “complicated.” And we lost at least one whole student for the rest of the semester, in spirit at least.

Tragically, this is what evangelical Christians do far too often. And while it’s easy for mainstream culture to scoff at a behavior that looks intellectually irresponsible, I’d like to point out that from an evangelical perspecive it’s a perfectly logical way to behave: since the world is divided into the saved and the damned, it’s important to approach books with a critical eye, being careful to divine the spirit of a work, to know whether its author is a believer or not. After all, lies are everywhere, Satan is cunning, and ambiguity is dangerous. So for the evangelical, the weirdness of using a blunt instrument like an off-topic abortion question is worth it if it at least results in an up-or-down vote of moral clarity. How can you walk forward if you don’t even know where you stand?

This is what concerns me. If you’re an evangelical Christian, I hope you can sense two things already: 1.) I’m not a conventional evangelical Christian myself, and 2.) I have not misrepresented you or your faith in any unreasonable way. Please remember this, because this book is about you, and I’m going to say things that are going to make you uncomfortable. I need you to keep reading, and in the process I promise to treat you more decently than most other authors on the topic. I was one of you, I speak the language, and I think I can empathize. And sure, I cuss now and then, but at least when I talk about religion I’m not an arrogant prick who thinks he’s so much smarter than everyone else. That’s worth staying for a few pages, don’t you think?

Of course, you’ll want to know who I am and what my bona fides are, but first, I want to address the rest of the audience, who may be wondering why this book matters, what I consider evangelical, and why evangelical Christianity is so important to address.

UPDATE: Parts 2 and 3 are now available, so you can read the whole introductory chapter. This link takes you to part 2.



Anonymous Francis said...

This book is going to rock.

9/18/2007 1:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're an idiot.

9/19/2007 1:32 PM  
Blogger Rhu/nmHz said...

I'm with Francis on this one. :-)

But then again, I'm not in the evangelical Christian demographic. I'm not even in the non-evangelical Christian demographic. So nu? What do I know?

9/20/2007 9:16 PM  
Blogger Carl said...

I was directed to your interview on 'This American Life" and through that found my way here. While I'm not a Christian, (evangelical or otherwise) I was raised in an evangelical area, which is why I rejected Christianity. After several years of anger at Christians, I got over it and began to look more dispassionately at how they behave. What I find is that the "marketing plan", they way Evangelicals approach trying to convert those not in line with their beliefs, seems not to have changed since the 1st century. They always ask me if "I've heard the good news?". Now, I'm a generic Caucasian, native born American, living in the 21st century in a major urban center, how in world do these people think that in my 48 years I could have avoided their relentless sales pitch? I think evangelism is most likely a matter of sealing members from one Christian church to another, but I concede, it may be possible to convert a complete unbeliever. This must be difficult however, when the assumption is that the only reason one is NOT a believer, is because he somehow missed the "good news". I have ofter heard Christians exhort each other to live their lives as examples that others would wish to follow, but they so rarely do. This is why the title you've proposed is so intriguing, I was well into my 30s before I met an active Christian that I felt WASN'T a jerk.

9/29/2007 5:52 PM  
Blogger jm said...

I heard you at the Moth in New Haven and think you are fabulously funny and compelling as a storyteller. (You are also Paul Giamatti’s doppelganger.) I Googled you to see if there was anything of yours to read/buy. This excerpt from your forthcoming (I hope) book is just as smooth going down as your oral storytelling, and the topic is, to me anyway, extremely interesting: human interest meets ultimate questions. Best of luck with your endeavors. I say that out of complete selfishness since I am eager to read more by you.

10/08/2007 1:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should check out Off The Map.
Jim Henderson is pushing much of the same idea.
- Paul

11/06/2007 1:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dave - You should check out Off The Map.
Jim Hendersen is pushing much of the same idea.

11/06/2007 1:38 PM  
Blogger Goodwin Films said...

Thanks for posting a sample. I really hope the book finds distribution. Thanks.

6/12/2008 9:11 PM  
Blogger Amanda from Michigan said...

I was all excited when I heard mention of this upcoming book on TAL.

I was taught in college by one of Oberman's students. He was so excited when he brought his old professor to campus. We had lunch with him and couldn't believe how much this old man was swearing! It was quite funny, actually!

6/30/2008 11:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wandered here from the Red Tomato. Although I could upset your apple cart (and I appreciate your apparently earnest effort to resolve evangelism and reality, having been there done that) I would like to share some blogging of my own about religion. The writing is poor as I was pretty stressed when I did it, but it packs a lot into a few words. Please see Myspace Johnny Babylon entry on March 29, 2008 for a strange and distorted reinterpretation of Christianity that rings true to me.

7/25/2008 2:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmmm... I was posting a comment and it disappeared. Perhaps it posted. Rather than be redundant, I add another thought. To love God, one must forgive God. Jesus (God) died as punishment for God's sins. Know this and one can love God as an equal, friend, fellow sinner, rather than as a subject, slave, or supplicant. See Johnny Babylon on Myspace and the blog around March and April of 2008.

7/25/2008 2:26 AM  
Blogger J.Burnsy said...

I too am anxiously awaiting to see where you go with this.As a struggling writer I can't wait to read the finished book. Also being raised in an evangelical christian household, pentecostal in fact, I am on the same page. I was referred to this blog by my brother and I am very glad to of found it. Keep on Keeping on.

3/23/2009 1:47 PM  
Blogger Beloved Spear said...

This is most excellent.

I started a similar manuscript a few years ago. It was tentatively entitled: "Jesus is Not an A**hole." Unfortunately, I came to the realization that both my mom and my kids would see the book, and had to bail.

Keep at it!

4/28/2009 9:18 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

I'm an orthodox jew, and would love to read this when it comes out; let's go already (please:-)!!
Not enough is said in this day and age about the basic precepts of our religions, with everyone latching on to minor points that usually don't require any work or introspection. Help save the world!

8/19/2009 2:06 AM  
Anonymous LLyzabeth said...

I hope like anything you get this published. I love what I've read so far, and so have the friends and family I've sent links to. Very very neat stuff.

1/05/2010 5:51 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home