Maybe It's Neurasthenia...

It's been a pretty depressing week, outside of the fan mail, because I did something stupid: I tried to get ADD medication. I was diagnosed as ADD back in 1998 and have been off and on various medications since. Usually I haven't needed it, but now that I'm back in a 9-to-5 office job, it's starting to look like it was either medicate myself into cubicle-friendly shape, or lose my job entirely and try some job that requires no attention span at all, like Magpie Wrangler or Street Mendicant.

So I went to my GP's referral neurologist, and after a few minutes of interviewing me, this guy frowned and said, "I don't think you have ADD at all. How much caffeine do you drink every day?"

I had cut out caffeine until a year ago, when my usage started rising. It's a common ADD way of self-medicating. "Um...about a liter of diet coke a day? Is that bad?"

"My god!" he said. "No more caffeine for you. Also, I'm putting you on Paxil to see if this is anxiety." Then when I got the Paxil, I noticed that the label said, "Do not drink alcohol while on this medication."

So: no caffeine AND no alcohol. It's like I became Mormon overnight, and it's been hell. I go to a bar and there's nothing for me to order; I go to a party at someone's house, they say, "Would you like some wine?" and all I can say is, "Do you have sparkling seltzer or grenadine?" The only thing that depressing sentence is missing is "...and if you have any salt-free soda crackers, I'll just dip them in my drink; Dr. Graham says they're a vitalizing tonic for the digestion." Next step is to buy a one-way ticket to Battle Creek, Michigan in the 1910s. It's so unfair. If God had meant for us to not drink alcohol, he would have made it taste like O'Doul's.

On the plus side, I'm certainly saving a lot of money and drinking more healthily, since I pretty much drink water and more water all day. And I really AM doing a better job paying attention at work. So why am I not more thrilled? Oh, right; the suffering.