You Got Your Morton's Fork in My Buridan's Ass

While updating my iPod and watching its usual complaint, I just figured out why my Internet is so slow: I'm connected using old, slower USB ports! (At least I know it's not a virus.) So the problem is at least understood, even though it's not immediately solveable.

By the way, the title of this post is a hat-tip to my friend Ryan, who corrected my earlier post and pointed out that the starving indecisive donkey I was looking for was Buridan's ass. A link to Wikipedia and a few click-throughs later and I found myself reading up on paradoxes in general, which introduced me to the term "Morton's Fork." Morton's Fork is any choice between two unpleasant alternatives (devil vs. deep blue sea, frying pan vs. fire, pay now vs. pay later with interest). And that's my immediate problem: I've got a choice between sucky Internet and no internet (or, factoring in UPS, sucky free Internet and operational expensive Internet). And of course, I can't fix it (and hence, make my job-hunting any easier) until I have a job. Cf. Catch-22.