Physical Infirmity . . . What's Up With That?
Woke up sniffly, with a stuffy nose, sinus pressure, eyes all squinty, a head that feels like a bowling ball, and a throat as sore as Wal-Mart's Sam Walton's after a slave auction. And I'm all, "You're kidding me. This can't be allergies. I moved to New York precisely because there ARE no trees within miles!" So either I'm sick---no muscle aches yet, but it's still early---or I'm allergic to something even in New York. What could it be? Rats? Garbage? Bilingualism?
In related news, I just heard the worst new non sequitur I've ever heard in a commercial. (Perhaps I should call it the least plausible train of thought.) But first, the old winner. It opens with a shot of a woman running through Central Park. She stops, and the voiceover says, "I feel distracted. [pause for segue.] Could I be pregnant?" Cue the pregnancy ad. Now THAT's what I call hypochondria! What you didn't hear was the ad agency rep looking at the dailies and saying, "So why exactly did we go to the expense of an outdoor shoot again?"
Anyway, the new ad has a young woman in various short clips celebrating life's joyous moments with her friends. While these pass, the voice-over's saying, "I hope I'm known for my laugh . . . my smile . . . my personality. [pause.] Not for my bladder control problems." Well, I hope so too, you brave gypsy. But if you're actually KNOWN for your bladder control problems ("Oh god, here comes Pissy McWetter again. Don't give her any Dasani."), you should already be looking into major surgery. I think I can save the ad, though. Just open it with a group of friends, including Our Sufferer, sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant.
FIRST FRIEND: Say, everybody! Let's go check out that new public fountain downtown!
OTHERS, IN CHORUS: Yeah, Great idea!, etc.
OUR SUFFERER: Gee, I'd rather not. Look . . . look at the time . . . (she runs off, crying.)
FIRST FRIEND: Gosh, what's wrong with Sally?
SECOND FRIEND: She was like that last week at the waterfall, too.
THIRD FRIEND: And she totally missed last month's log flume!
FIRST FRIEND (rubbing chin thoughtfully): Hmm . . . I wonder . . . .
(Shot of miserable Sufferer, alone on the subway, looking wistfully over her shoulder. Cue the original voiceover.)
See, pharmaceutical company? I just saved your credibility AND salvaged a multimillion dollar commercial campaign! And all I ask is that you cover the cost of my rent this month! I take deutschmarks and krona.
LATER:
Okay, I've just spent three hours lying in bed and breathing because my body couldn't handle anything more complicated. But a tablet of Loratadine, while not exactly a miracle drug, has brought a mild twitch to my central nervous system, and I feel like standing up and, I don't know, walking around or something. So I think I'll go to the 42nd Street New York Public Library and edit puzzles for a few hours. And if I see a clue that reads, "What's a ten-letter word for the generic form of Allegra?" I'll be all over it.
In related news, I just heard the worst new non sequitur I've ever heard in a commercial. (Perhaps I should call it the least plausible train of thought.) But first, the old winner. It opens with a shot of a woman running through Central Park. She stops, and the voiceover says, "I feel distracted. [pause for segue.] Could I be pregnant?" Cue the pregnancy ad. Now THAT's what I call hypochondria! What you didn't hear was the ad agency rep looking at the dailies and saying, "So why exactly did we go to the expense of an outdoor shoot again?"
Anyway, the new ad has a young woman in various short clips celebrating life's joyous moments with her friends. While these pass, the voice-over's saying, "I hope I'm known for my laugh . . . my smile . . . my personality. [pause.] Not for my bladder control problems." Well, I hope so too, you brave gypsy. But if you're actually KNOWN for your bladder control problems ("Oh god, here comes Pissy McWetter again. Don't give her any Dasani."), you should already be looking into major surgery. I think I can save the ad, though. Just open it with a group of friends, including Our Sufferer, sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant.
FIRST FRIEND: Say, everybody! Let's go check out that new public fountain downtown!
OTHERS, IN CHORUS: Yeah, Great idea!, etc.
OUR SUFFERER: Gee, I'd rather not. Look . . . look at the time . . . (she runs off, crying.)
FIRST FRIEND: Gosh, what's wrong with Sally?
SECOND FRIEND: She was like that last week at the waterfall, too.
THIRD FRIEND: And she totally missed last month's log flume!
FIRST FRIEND (rubbing chin thoughtfully): Hmm . . . I wonder . . . .
(Shot of miserable Sufferer, alone on the subway, looking wistfully over her shoulder. Cue the original voiceover.)
See, pharmaceutical company? I just saved your credibility AND salvaged a multimillion dollar commercial campaign! And all I ask is that you cover the cost of my rent this month! I take deutschmarks and krona.
LATER:
Okay, I've just spent three hours lying in bed and breathing because my body couldn't handle anything more complicated. But a tablet of Loratadine, while not exactly a miracle drug, has brought a mild twitch to my central nervous system, and I feel like standing up and, I don't know, walking around or something. So I think I'll go to the 42nd Street New York Public Library and edit puzzles for a few hours. And if I see a clue that reads, "What's a ten-letter word for the generic form of Allegra?" I'll be all over it.
posted by Cowboy Dave Dickerson | 7:40 AM
4 Comments:
Dude, when I was in New York, I got this crazy alergy attach too. I was like, no way! I don't know what it is, but there is something in NYC that attachs when you least expect it.
Actually, I think I saw an article the other day in the Daily News that said that New York City is actually one of the worst places in the country for allergies. But I wasn't able to steal a copy and find out why.
I despise loratadine. I might as well pop M&Ms.
Since I got on Zyrtec-D, my life has been much better. It's expensive as heck, and requires a prescription, but worth it.
You probably need a decongestant anyway. If you plan to stay on the Claritin, try Claritin-D...
By the way, fun blog. Glad I ran into it.
Actually, AM New York published an article on allergies recently that indicates that New York is the 11th worst city for allergies this season. I’m sure feelin’ it! That’s fer shur.
As far as drugs go, loratadine works for me (everyone’s different, though), so best of luck—although I like the decongestant, too.
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