This problem was exacerbated when, shortly after I established my bank account, I bought a whole bunch of new furniture (there’s a whole Ikea story there) and discovered, upon checking with my bank, that because my multi-thousand-dollar check was out of state, and I was a new account, it would take up to a week to clear. So I couldn’t afford to eat out, didn’t know where to go in any event, and since I couldn’t contact agents or publishers, I didn’t have any clear objective in my writing either. This would have been a perfect time to goof around on my webiste, but of course—no internet. I spoke to the devil about this only a few days ago:
“I’ve got idle hands,” I said. “Can you help me? I feel so useless and I hate it. I just want to do something, even if it’s evil.”
The devil looked them over and shrugged. “Do you have any books or videotapes?”
“No,” I replied. “All that stuff is at the post office. They’re supposed to send them here some time over the next few days. Till then, I can’t really leave, because they might come by.”
“Can you call any friends?” he suggested. “Evil ones?”
“I only have seven numbers in my phone right now. I just lost my old phone and I haven’t been able to reassemble my list. Now if I had the internet . . .”
“Geez,” said the devil. “I’ll be honest. I’ve got nothing for you. Now, if you had more than a hundred dollars . . . “
“Not until Tuesday,” I said.
“What can I say? I hope you like sleeping.”
But now I’m no longer flatlining! And when I get my pecuniary defibrillation on Tuesday, I’ll be fully empowered to start a hectic career as a potential freelancer. (I’m giving myself a month before I hunt for a day job). But today’s Sunday, so I may as well just update my website.